When You and Your Partner Parent Differently: bridging style gaps without turning on each other

No two people are exactly alike and that includes parents. One of you might swear by routine and boundaries, while the other leans into flexibility and instinct. One might be more nurturing, the other more structured. And while these differences can offer balance and breadth to your child’s experience, they can also spark tension behind the scenes.

It’s completely normal for parents to approach raising children with different styles, after all, we each carry our own experiences, values, and instincts into parenthood. The key isn’t to eliminate the differences (you won’t), but to learn how to work with them not against each other.

Understand Each Other’s Parenting Roots
Start by unpacking where your styles come from. Did your partner grow up with a lot of freedom and want to recreate that? Did you grow up in a strict household and want something different? These backstories often explain the "why" behind our instincts and understanding the roots can reduce frustration and build empathy.

Try saying:
“I notice you’re more relaxed about bedtime, was that how your evenings felt growing up?”
“I’m realising I default to structure because chaos stressed me out as a kid.”

Once you see each other’s motivations as rooted in care, it’s easier to feel like teammates instead of opponents.

Pick Your Core Values, Together
You don’t have to agree on everything. But it helps to align on a few non-negotiables, the core values that define your family’s approach to parenting.

Maybe that’s:
Always speaking respectfully to one another
Prioritising safety and kindness over everything else
Maintaining consistency around screen time or meals

These shared foundations give you a compass when your styles diverge. Even if the route is different, the destination stays the same.

Avoid Undermining Especially in Front of the Kids
Disagreeing is okay. But when it happens in front of your children, it can create confusion, insecurity, or the opportunity to play parents against one another.

Instead of correcting your partner mid-discussion, try to:
Let the moment pass (unless safety is an issue)
Discuss it privately later: “I noticed you handled that differently than I would have, can we talk about it?”
Respect in disagreement models conflict resolution for your kids and shows them that love and difference can coexist.

Lean Into Strengths
Rather than seeing differences as threats, see them as assets. If your partner is playful while you're practical, celebrate how that brings balance. If you're emotionally tuned in and they’re great at problem-solving, both of those traits are gold.

There’s no one “right” way to parent but when kids see their caregivers bringing different tools to the table, they learn flexibility, perspective, and trust.

Communicate Often and Check In
Parenting is fluid. The baby years bring different challenges than toddler tantrums, and the school-age stage will test you in new ways. Make regular space to check in with each other:

“How do you feel like we’re going as a team right now?”
“Is there anything I’m doing that’s making things harder for you?”
“What do you need more (or less) of from me right now?”

These conversations can keep resentment from building and bring you back to a shared sense of purpose.

Remember: You’re On the Same Team
When you feel triggered by your partner’s parenting style, pause. Ask yourself: “Is this a threat to our child, or just a different approach than mine?” If it’s the latter, try to soften. Unity doesn’t mean uniformity. It means working together, trusting one another, and being willing to course-correct when needed.

In the end, your child doesn’t need perfect parents who agree on everything they need loving caregivers who are willing to learn, adapt, and show up as a team. Differences don’t have to divide you. They can deepen your parenting toolbox, and your connection, if you let them.